SATIRE

SHEBI EXCLUSIVE

National Grid Collapses Just To Clear Its Throat

By Chidi Okonkwo

Ministry of Power reassures citizens that system failure is merely the transmission lines 'resting their eyes' between brief spasms of 11 kilovolts.

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SATIRE

Senate Approves ₦400 Million Armored SUVs

POLITICS

Senate Buys ₦400M SUVs To Empathize With Potholes From Above

By Amina Bello

Distinguished lawmakers argue that sitting four feet higher off the ground in heated Italian leather is essential for feeling the direct pain of the common Nigerian voter.

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SATIRE

OIL & GAS

NNPC, Dangote Settle Fuel Prices With Ceremonial Cowrie Shells

By Femi Adeleke

New algorithm guarantees pump prices will change three times per tank fill to keep motorists mentally alert and agile.

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Mikano Heavy Power: Proudly Serving As Nigeria's Unofficial Ministry of Energy Since 1973

By Mikano Energy

10 Lagos Agberos Crowned Champions In Municipal Transit Revenue Optimization

By Urban Transit Watch

Dangote Cement: Now 40% Fortified With Pure Hope And Unwavering Faith

By Lekki Industrial

The Next Era of Civil Service Will Reward Those Who Master The 11 AM Breakfast Break

By Public Affairs Bureau

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POLITICS & POWER

National Grid Collapses Just To Clear Its Throat

BY CHIDI OKONKWO

Ministry of Power reassures citizens that system failure is merely the transmission lines 'resting their eyes' between brief spasms of 11 kilovolts.

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Senate Buys ₦400M SUVs To Empathize With Potholes From Above

BY AMINA BELLO

NNPC, Dangote Settle Fuel Prices With Ceremonial Cowrie Shells

BY FEMI ADELEKE

CBN Fights Inflation By Replacing Naira Figures With 'Omo'

BY BABAJIDE BALOGUN

EXCLUSIVE

FG Forms 28-Man Committee To Probe Why Previous 19 Failed

BY AMINA BELLO

SATIRE

Governor Spends ₦1.8B Commissioning 4-Meter Plastic Water Pipe

BY CHIDI OKONKWO

LEADERSHIP Voices

ENERGY & DARKNESS

NERC Introduces 'Band A+++' Tariff For 14 Seconds Of Light

BY CHIDI OKONKWO

Regulators note that customers paying ₦450 per kilowatt-hour will receive complimentary audio notification whenever lightning strikes nearby.

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DisCo Sends ₦85,000 Estimated Bill To Abandoned Uncompleted Building

BY CHIDI OKONKWO

Mikano Generator Sales Surge 800% Amid National Grid Silence

BY FEMI ADELEKE

Youth Hold Midnight Vigil Praying Light Doesn't Blow Standing Fans

BY NGOZI EZE

REPORT

Power Ministry Replaces Circuit Breakers With Consecrated Wooden Pegs

BY CHIDI OKONKWO

LOCAL

Estate Fines Residents Whose Tiger Generators Do Not Smoke Loudly

BY BABAJIDE BALOGUN

CBN Fights Inflation By Replacing Naira Figures With 'Omo'

BY BABAJIDE BALOGUN

Monetary Policy Committee notes that printing numbers like ₦1,000 only encourages market women to perform demoralizing subtraction.

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Lagos Landlord Demands Two Years Upfront Rent In Gold Bullion

BY BABAJIDE BALOGUN

Bakery Introduces Half-Slice Bread For Customers Seeking Carbohydrate Scent

BY FEMI ADELEKE

Abuja BDC Operators Quote Naira Rate In Clean Drinking Water

BY AMINA BELLO

ECONOMY

Supermarket Shopper Faints After Calculating Cost Of One Dozen Eggs

BY NGOZI EZE

BANKING

Bank ATM Delivers 30-Second Motivational Speech Instead Of Cash

BY CHIDI OKONKWO

CRIME & PROTOCOL

EFCC Raids Student Over ₦18k As Ex-Governor Gets Ethics Post

BY NGOZI EZE

Anti-graft agency explains that tackling small-scale cybercrime builds character, whereas investigating ₦80 billion state treasury theft causes unnecessary political headaches.

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FRSC Calls Drivers With Both Hands On Steering Wheel 'Suspicious'

BY NGOZI EZE

Police Detain Driver 3 Hours For Having All Valid Documents

BY BABAJIDE BALOGUN

Justice Ministry Grants Posthumous Pardon To British Colonial Governor

BY AMINA BELLO

LAGOS

LASTMA Officer Disguised As Banana Leaf Arrests Driver For Thinking

BY BABAJIDE BALOGUN

JUSTICE

Customs Intercepts Container Of Smuggled Second-Hand Toothpicks At Apapa Port

BY FEMI ADELEKE

LAGOS CHRONICLES

Lagos Dispatch Riders Vow Jollof Rice Arrives Guaranteed Cold

BY BABAJIDE BALOGUN

Food delivery platforms partner with LASTMA to ensure that every order of fried plantain arrives at room temperature after traversing three flooded roundabouts.

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Danfo Conductor Demands Precise ₦70 Change In Crisp 1973 Coins

BY BABAJIDE BALOGUN

Third Mainland Commuter Spends 6 Hours Behind Broken Cement Truck

BY FEMI ADELEKE

Lekki Resident Installs Water Pump Directly Under Neighbour's Window

BY NGOZI EZE

TRANSIT

BRT Driver Hits Warp Speed In Reverse On Ikorodu Road

BY BABAJIDE BALOGUN

FINANCE

IMF Crowns Oshodi Agbero Most Efficient West African Tax Collector

BY AMINA BELLO

Shebi Wire

NOA Urges Citizens To Breathe Less Heavily During Harmattan

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SON Approves Generator Silencer Fabricated From Old Paint Bucket

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Fire Service Rushes To Suya Stand Mistaken For Industrial Inferno

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PUBLIC SERVICE & PROTOCOL

Civil Service Probe Concludes Ghost Workers Real, Deserve Full Pensions

BY AMINA BELLO

Federal inquiry notes that spectral employees showed up in dreams to clear file backlogs and therefore earned their 35 years of accumulated gratuity.

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Aviation Ministry: Nigeria Air Plane Was Only On Holiday Visa

BY CHIDI OKONKWO

JAMB Candidate Solves Physics With Mountain Prayers, Awarded Professorship

BY NGOZI EZE

Youth Corper Shocked Remote Village Economy Relies On His ₦33,000

BY BABAJIDE BALOGUN

CIVIL SERVICE

Staff Arrive At 8am To Switch On AC Before 6-Hour Breakfast

BY AMINA BELLO

COMMUNICATIONS

Official Government Press Release Consists Entirely Of Capital Letters

BY CHIDI OKONKWO

PUBLIC HEALTH & TRADITION

Health Ministry: Drinking Cold Water In Heatwave May Offend Ancestors

BY NGOZI EZE

Advisory urges citizens to drink boiling hot tea while sitting inside non-air-conditioned offices to maintain spiritual alignment with ancient traditions.

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